Depersonalization is the feeling of being disconnected from one’s physicality. My body is here but my mind is wherever you are. I ache for you like a phantom limb... acutely aware of your absence. I searched, but was unable to find a word that describes what it is to feel present in my body only when it is in close proximity to yours. My mind wages a constant assault against any thought that crosses through that does not pertain to you. I manifest a life with you through daydreams. Derealization is an alteration in the perception or experience of the external world so that it seems unreal. How I only feel like my truest self when I’m with you; But I’m never really ‘with’ you... Just a deep visceral longing. When you’re gone I feel this immense emptiness where you should be. Like the infinite density of a black hole. If it weren’t for gravity, we wouldn’t even know black holes exist. You’re my gravity. And I’m slowly collapsing in on myself like a dying star to become nothing and everything all at the same time.
Amber Jasinski
Amber Jasinski has been writing poetry about the human experience and mental illness for the past several years. She has an undergraduate degree in nursing and works full time as a Registered Nurse.
Amber is a wife and mother and lives in a full house with her husband, 3 daughters, 2 young grandchildren, her younger brother, and 2 awesome dogs! She enjoys writing as an avenue to explore her own journey with mental illness and to promote mental health advocacy.
Amber writes under the name ajblueorion on social media where you’ll find her “lost somewhere between the words and melancholy madness.”
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