I’m Not Going to Hate Myself

I’m Not Going to Hate Myself by Sarah Bellum Mental

I’m not going to cry
I’m not going to release
diamond threaded water
trailing down cheeks
looking to obliterate the skin
with the piling up
of emotions like compost
creating heat
shimmering waves
on a quiet day
thinking of the way
he touched me
how I fought
but I didn’t fight enough
but maybe that’s the thing
about trauma is that
it doesn’t care
about your strength.

I’m not going to slice off
bits of my body to acclimate me
to the feel of feeling
since I’ve numbed myself
for so long that the pins and needles
seeking my flesh takes forever
to prick my porcupine quills
into twitching in response
everything succumbs
to the inability
to deal with emotions.

I’m not going to condemn
my body like it is a foreclosed house
looking to collect
moths in expansive corners
becoming more than the walls
I always hid in corners
kept my back to walls
I could use it to keep them
from getting to me
until they finally
broke through my fortress hands
saying do not pass go
do not collect my treasures
and they grabbed everything
I owned, trashed it,
spat me out like day old gristle.

I’m not going to hate myself
because there’s enough rampant
in this world, rampaging against
the home you should know
but you keep denying
you have the keys to the lock
inside because you kept
changing them so much
each time
they vandalized your body.

<strong>Sarah Bellum Mental</strong>
Sarah Bellum Mental

Sarah Bellum Mental focuses on connection through metaphors providing experiences. 

This site contains affiliate links to products. We may receive a commission for purchases made through these links. For more information, see my disclosures here. 

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