Not Tonight

not tonight

By Amber Jasinski

She wonders what it would be like to swallow all her pills and fall asleep.
Thoughts darker than the night fill her mind. Pulling her from the feeble grasp of sleep.
Long days of silence broken only by his taunting undulating inhalations and exhalations.
A now-stranger lies a million miles away across the king sized bed.
The mattress where love was once made now presses firmly against her back.
Still and cold.  
Dead.
She drifts lightly off holding the pill bottle tight in her palm.
Security blanket - she knows she could make it all go away so easily.
But she also believes she deserves this.
Pennants for a sin that left her broken and corrosive.
Doomed to destroy what remains of herself and anyone foolish enough to love her.
Trapped in the purgatory of her memory -
Heart racing her eyes open wide, searching.
The weighted blanket wrapped heavily across her in a sad embrace that does not erase the heavy absence of his arm across her body.
Shadows play on the dark walls like his fingers once danced along her skin tracing her curves.
She feels nothing as she runs her own fingers about the forgotten canvas of her body.
She returns the pill bottle to her nightstand and expertly finds the cold hard handle of the pocket knife she keeps hidden “for emergencies” next to her bed.
Dreaming of the warmth of feeling something - anything - as the blade faintly glides over the scar on her left wrist.
“I’m so sorry,” she pleads into the darkness. 
She could finally sleep.
Her secrets never spoken would die with her like all the things she should have but never could bring herself to say.
He’d wake and find her as cold and hollow as he’d said she was these last few years.
It would still be painfully quiet.
The bed would feel just as empty.
She returns the blade to its hiding place.
It would be so easy.
But she can’t.
Not tonight.
 <br><strong>Amber Jasinski</strong> <br>

Amber Jasinski

Amber Jasinski has been writing poetry about the human experience and mental illness for the past several years. She has an undergraduate degree in nursing and works full time as a Registered Nurse.

She is a wife and mother and lives in a full house with her husband, 3 daughters, 2 young grandchildren, her younger brother, and 2 awesome dogs!

She enjoys writing as an avenue to explore her own journey with mental illness and to promote mental health advocacy.

She writes under the name ajblueorion on social media where you’ll find her “lost somewhere between the words and melancholy madness.”

This post contains affiliate links. An affiliate link means I may earn advertising/referral fees if you make a purchase through my link, with no extra cost to you. It helps to keep this little magazine afloat. Thanks for your support. Read full disclosure here.

Not Tonight. Canva

The Little Shed

The little shed is painted blue
with two old chairs for me and you
We sit and talk till stars shine high
Discuss wild dreams and sometimes cry
The shed is dark and meant for tools
but staged just right for dreaming fools
One day we'll laugh and reminisce
Having checked off goals from
our shed dream list

Dedicated to my honey. ❤
-Deanna Ramirez ©

Perfect Storm

Perfect Storm

A poem by Deanna M Ramirez

The perfect storm of your love⠀
drowns out the deafening ⠀
silence of my heart⠀
Creating vibrant color in bleak places⠀
Warmth creeping spaces⠀
long forgotten ⠀

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Love Floats, a poem

Love Floats a poem

A poem by Deanna M Ramirez

Love floats in the air⠀
like a dandelion seed⠀
Spread love ⠀
through this dark world ⠀
of desperate greed⠀
Greed feeds on the ⠀
helpless, destroying ⠀
the heart⠀
Let love fly and take root ⠀
wherever you are

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Splintered, a poem

Splintered a poem

A poem by Deanna M Ramirez

Eyes full of judgment and no ⠀
attempt to mask their message ⠀
You don't know me yet you're sure you do⠀
Transmission received but I pause⠀
Self awareness an earned attribute ⠀
escapes those with critical eyes ⠀
You wish me harm, yet I feel sadness ⠀
not of self⠀
I see eyes burred with pain, ⠀
baring truth of their owner⠀
Eyes say, "I am stupid. Not good enough. ⠀
I want what you have."⠀
To which I reply, "I am not your enemy ⠀
nor your competition. ⠀
Splintered eyes impede vision. ⠀
Pluck out the fragments ⠀
that you may see your beauty ⠀
and love yourself.

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Masterpiece

Masterpiece

Poetry by Deanna M Ramirez

If I could paint you a color
I'd paint you the rainbow
Then I'd mix it all up
to make infinitely more colors
I would need to start there
and use up every one
each splendid color
to paint the masterpiece
that is you

This post contains affiliate links. An affiliate link means I may earn advertising / referral fees if you make a purchase through my link, with no extra cost to you. It helps to keep this little magazine afloat. Thanks for your support. Read full disclosure here.https://evepoetry.com/disclosure-privacy-policy-eve-poetry/